With Bill Collectors, It’s All About Having The Psychological Edge

Are pesky bill collectors bothering you? Are they bothering you at all hours of the day? Do bill collectors call you on your cell phone while you’re coaching your kid’s soccer game? Do annoying bill collectors bother you will you and the wife are having marital relations? Are bill collectors trying to make you feel guilty because you didn’t pay your credit card or your last hospital visit?

Then, my friend, you have a problem. You should do something about it. Feeling guilty isn’t one of them. Why? Well, chances are the bill collector bugging the crap out of you doesn’t have the legal authority to collect the money. If it’s a doctor or hospital they’re probably overcharging you.

So what do you do to these pesky bill collectors?

Legal experts would probably tell you to send your bill collectors a cease and desist letter. You could threaten to sue them under the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act (FDCPA) or the Telephone Consumer Protection Act (TCPA). Legal experts are probably right. However, there are more interesting and entertaining ways to handle bill collectors.

I have compiled my six favorite ways to annoy the living crap out of bill collectors.  Feel free to try them and if your state allows, feel free to record the call and post it on Youtube.  Also, if you have some other creative ways to annoy the crap out of them, feel free to send them to me.  I’ll post them here on MFI-Miami, the MFI-Miami Facebook page and on MFI-Miami’s Youtube channel.

Method #1: Try to sell the bill collectors some Amway products.  

This method works great if you have friends or relatives who pawn Amway products at family functions and other social functions. First, ask this person for an Amway catalog.

Make sure you keep the page marked with all the hair care crap that you know no one in their right mind would want. From my experience, the Jheri Curl knock-offs that are made in China work the best.

When the collection agent or bill collectors start asking you if you prepared to make a payment on the debt, you break into the sales pitch.  For example, Debbie calls from Portfolio Recovery and this is what you say:

Steve: Well, Debbie, let me tell you about an excellent opportunity I’ve come across.  Have you ever heard of Amway?

Debbie: Mr. Dibert,  Are you prepared to make a payment of $800?

Steve: Well Debbie, I would but are you familiar with our new line of Jheri Curl style hair care products that give your hair beautiful bouncy curls?

Debbie: So you’re prepared to make a payment?

Steve: Yep.

Debbie: How much are going to make?

Steve: Well, it all depends on how much you’re willing to buy in hair care products.  

Debbie: I’m not buying any hair care products.

Steve: Why not? I bet you look beautiful with glowing bouncy curls.  They would compliment any Spandex mini-skirts in your wardrobe. Those shiny curls would definitely compliment that sexy voice of yours.

Debbie usually hangs up at this point.  If she doesn’t, scroll down to Method#6.

Method 2: Let the bill collectors draw their own conclusions

This method is easy to use on bill collectors.  When Debbie calls and asks for you just say, “I’m sorry, he/she is no longer with us.” 

Then make it sound like you’re upset.  If you’re a woman, you can do the fake crying thing. You know the kind of crying I’m talking about. The kind of crying you do when you want your boyfriend or husband to think you’re mad at them.

Debbie will apologize and will take your number off the list.

Method 3: Just tell bill collectors, “No”

People wonder why I can get documents from banks when most homeowners and my competitors can’t.  It’s because I take the Sean Connery’s “50 Noes and a Yes mean yes” approach to gathering information.  So as you can guess, I hear the word, “no” and the excuses that go with it from the banks all day long.  Because of this, I’ve become quite astute at saying, “No” to bill collectors.

So now when bill collectors call, I just repeat the word, “No” over and over again. I act like I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder like the Dr. Remulak guy who used to call Howard Stern’s Radio Show.  The collection agency operator gets frustrated and hangs up.

Method 4: Make them believe they called a crime scene

I have friends who have tried variations of this and they say it works. However, I have never tried it. This is a trick that was inspired by a radio gag that was done by comedian Tom Mabe about 15 years ago.

You could run into a problem if the collection agency decides to do some research or call the police where you live.  I wouldn’t be too concerned, most of these phone jockeys aren’t that bright. They also don’t have the time to spend hours looking through public records to prove that you are lying to them.  Besides, they’re probably feeding you a line of bullshit about the debt. They also have no legal standing to come after you.

Method 5: Curse at bill collectors like a sailor on shore leave 

Portfolio Recovery had been calling me 10 times a day on a credit card that was charged off for $400 in 1999. Portfolio Recovery claimed I now owed $7000.  Later when push came to shove, they disappeared.

Portfolio Recovery is the slimiest of all the bill collectors.  They will relentlessly call your work phone from different numbers from around the country. So you don’t know who is calling you. Matter of fact, there are web pages dedicated to the phone numbers Portfolio Recovery uses. At last count, they were up to 250.

So I don’t have a problem throwing out a string of profanity at them. The kind of profanity would have made my mother able to single-handedly double the stock price of Proctor & Gamble or Colgate-Palmolive.

Bill collectors especially the ones at Portfolio Recovery seem to get really irritated when you keep firing f-bombs at them.  Usually after about a dozen or so they threaten to hang up. So keep firing off those f-bombs because they will eventually hang up.

Method #6: Perverted Pick-Up Artist

This method is awesome. It works really well if you’re a man and the person calling you from the collection agency is a woman (Debbie).  

You start by slowly asking Debbie about her features like her hair.  Then you crank it up a notch by talking about her body parts especially her breasts and say something crass like, “I bet they’re firm and succulent.”  You may want to consider making comments about how you would love to make motor boat sounds between them or some crazy sex acts.  Feel free to get creative.

Don’t feel guilty about sounding like a pig or being offensive. The more chauvinistic, the better. Debbie’s job is to get you emotionally unhinged. She wants you to act irrationally. This way the collection agency can use it against you later.

Most women would be offended at this point and Debbie is no different. That is when you kick it into high gear. Now you have turned the tables on her and have her emotionally involved. It’s only a matter of a few minutes before she says something that can set the collection agency up for a lawsuit from you.

Crank It Up A Notch!

Debbie is starting to get pissed and she emotionally charged up. At this point, you ask her if she can hold on because you need to put her on speaker.  

Debbie doesn’t know what to do at this point. Debbie will do one of two things. She may disconnect the call. If she does then it’s mission accomplished. If she doesn’t disconnect the call, start making moaning sounds while banging the bottom the table or desk with your fist so she can hear it. While you are doing that, asking her to talk dirty to you in her sexy phone voice. By now she will have had enough and finally disconnect the call.  

If “John” calls you from Portfolio Recovery be careful. You will need to put a gay twist on it. So make sure you are fluent in gay lingo and gay pick-up lines or John won’t fall for it.

Just remember, it’s about having the psychological edge over your oppressor.