It’s All About Having The Psychological Edge
Steve Dibert, MFI-Miami
Are you bothered by pesky bill collectors who like to bother you at all hours of the day?
Do bill collectors call you on your cell phone while you’re coaching your kid’s soccer game?
Do annoying bill collectors bother you will you and the wife are having relations?
Are bill collectors trying to make you feel guilty because you didn’t pay your credit card or your last hospital visit?
Then my friend, you have a problem. You should do something about it and feeling guilty isn’t one of them. Why? Well, chance are the company bugging the crap out of you doesn’t have the legal authority to collect the money or if it’s a doctor or hospital they’re overcharging you.
So what do you do?
Well, a legal expert would probably tell you to send them a cease and desist letter with a threat to sue them under the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act (FDCPA) and the legal experts are probably right but there are more interesting and entertaining ways to handle bill collectors.
I’ve complied my favorite six ways to annoy the living crap out of bill collectors. Feel free to try them and if your state allows you to record the call and post it on Youtube. Also, if you have some other creative ways to annoy the crap out of them, feel free to send them to me. I’ll post them here on MFI-Miami, the MFI-Miami Facebook page and on MFI-Miami’s Youtube channel.
Method #1: Try to sell them Amway products.
This method works great if you have friends or relatives who pawn Amway products at family functions and other social functions where it is totally inappropriate to do so. First ask this person for a Amway catalog and make sure you keep the page marked with all the hair care crap that you know no one in their right mind would want. From my experience, if you can find their Jheri Curl knock-offs that are made in China those works the best.
When the collection agent starts asking you if you prepared to make a payment on the debt, you break into the sales pitch. For example, Debbie calls from Portfolio Recovery and this is what you say:
Steve: Well, Debbie, let me tell you about an excellent opportunity I’ve come across. Have you ever heard of Amway?
Debbie: Mr. Dibert, Are you prepared to make a payment of $800?
Steve: Well Debbie, I would but are you familiar with our new line of Jheri Curl style hair care products that give your hair beautiful bouncy curls?
Debbie: So you’re prepared to make a payment?
Debbie: How much are going to make?
Steve: Well, it all depends on how much you’re willing to buy in hair care products.
Debbie: I’m not buying any hair care products.
Steve: Why not? I bet you look beautiful with glowing bouncy curls. They would compliment any Spandex mini-skirts in your wardrobe and those shiny curls would definitely compliment that sexy voice of yours.
Debbie usually hangs up at this point. If she doesn’t, scroll down to Method#6.
Method 2: Let them draw their own conclusions
This one is easy. When Debbie calls and asks for you just say, “I’m sorry, he/she is no longer with us.” and make it sound like you’re upset. If you’re a woman, you can do the fake crying thing like you do when you want your boyfriend or husband to think you’re mad at them. Usually, Debbie will apologize and will take your number off the list.
Method 3: No means no
People wonder why I can get documents from banks when most homeowners and my competitors can’t. It’s because I take the Sean Connery’s “50 Noes and a Yes mean yes.” approach to acquiring documents or gathering information. So as you can guess, I hear the word, “no” and the excuses that go with it from the banks all day long. Because of this, I’ve become quite astute at saying, “No” to bill collectors.
So now when they call, I just repeat the word, “No” over and over again like I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder like the Dr. Remulak guy who used to call Howard Stern’s Radio Show. The person from the collection agency then gets frustrated and hangs up.
Method 4: Fake crime scene
I have never tried this but I have friends who have tried variations of this and they say it works. This is a trick that was inspired by a radio gag that was done by comedian Tom Mabe about 10 years ago against a telemarketer who kept bugging him. The only problem you could run into is if the collection agency decides to do some research or decide to call the police where you live. I wouldn’t be to worried though, most of these phone jockeys aren’t that bright or don’t have the time to spend hours and hours looking through public records to prove that you are lying to them. Besides, they’re probably feeding you a line of bullshit about the debt and have no legal standing to come after you.
Method 5: Curse at them like a sailor on shore leave
I once had Portfolio Recovery calling me 10 times a day on my work cell phone on a credit card that I had 15 years ago that was charged off for $400. Portfolio Recovery claimed I now owed $7000. Later when push came to shove, they disappeared.
As you can guess, Portfolio Recovery are the slimiest of all the bill collectors. They will relentlessly call your work phone from different numbers from around the country so you don’t know who is calling you. Matter of fact, there are web pages dedicated to listing the phone numbers they claim they are calling from and at last count they were up to 250.
So I don’t have a problem throwing out a string of profanity that had I said when I was ten, my mother would have been able to single-handedly double the stock price of Proctor & Gamble or Colgate-Palmolive.
Bill collectors especially the ones at Portfolio Recovery seem to get really irritated when you keep lobbing f-bombs at them. Usually after about a dozen or so they threaten to hang up. So keep dropping them because eventually they will hang up.
Method #6: Perverted Pick-Up Artist
This one is awesome and it works really well if you’re a man and the person calling you from the collection agency is a woman (Debbie). You start by slowly asking Debbie about her features like her hair. Then you crank it up a notch by talking about her body parts especially her breasts and say something crass like, “I bet they’re firm and succulent.” You may want to consider making comments about how you would love to make motor boat sounds between them or some crazy sex acts. Feel free to get creative.
Don’t feel guilty about sounding like a pig or being offensive. Debbie’s job at Portfolio Recovery is to get you emotionally unhinged so you to act irrationally. This way the collection agency can use it against you later.
At this point, Debbie will start getting offended as most women would and that’s when you kick it into high gear because now you have turned the tables on her and have her emotionally involved. It’s only a matter of a few minutes before she says something that can set the collection agency up for a lawsuit from you.
So now you’ve got Debbie emotionally worked up and she’s starting to get irritated. This is when you ask her if she can hold on because you need to put her on speaker so you can pull your pants down.
By now Debbie doesn’t know what to do. If she disconnects the call then it’s mission accomplished. If she doesn’t disconnect the call and start making moaning sounds while banging the bottom the table or desk with your fist so she can hear it while asking her to talk dirty to you in her sexy phone voice. By then, she’s had enough and finally disconnects the call. Yep, the fun you can have by fooling the other person with a fake sex act.
Be careful doing this if “John” calls you from Portfolio Recovery. You can do this trick but you will need to put a gay twist on it. So make sure you’re fluent on gay lingo and gay pick-up lines or John won’t fall for it.
Just remember, it’s about having the psychological edge over your oppressor.